I mean seriously? I love my wife and we bought land and a home. I am angered that every time I have to go he seems to have an emotional breakdown. The non-work things generally arent my cup of tea and if I want shows/museums/food Ill go to NY, London, Paris, Istanbul. When she would call back, he would accuse her of having left the office to sleep with someone else. And then he interprets the lack of disagreement as agreement. This is actually a place where marriage counseling can be extremely useful. OP, no idea if my experience is relevant to you or not, but the relationships in which the possibility of me cheating (never in a million years) was raised were the ones in which HE was cheating. Ive stayed in beautiful NYC and D.C. hotels for less than $130 a night. Think of it this way if you give in on this to avoid conflict, what will be next? I mean There isnta rash of kidnappings in Las Vegas, and what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas is an advertising slogan forcollege students and weddingparties, not a warning to spousesof business travelers. I had to speak on a panel one afternoon and give a presentation the next morning, but the conference I spoke at was not for my industry so I had no connections or contacts there. The big hotels are super experienced and the conference ran just about as smoothly as something of that size possibly could. Youre in a room all day, you still have to get up and WORK the next morning I go to one every year, and my butt is in bed at 10pm. PS: My third period class, mostly high-functioning autism cases, is split. What about yourself? Life is too short to be stifled by someone elses insecurities. If you can get that sort of perspective before the trip, that would be great. Youd have to make an effort to get kidnapped, I think. He called to tell me he won a bunch of money at Black Jack and was getting free drinks. I want to push back, snark, in case anyone else reading sees your comment and decides that couples isnt a good course of action because the issue is with one person in the couple. You know, because men never get kidnapped or roofied. In the end, she chose her career and her child (who was 4 years old then) over her husband, because she eventually realized that this behavior was not normal, and was not a reflection on her. OP, I have a few questions: do you travel overnight to other places for your work? I mean, it isnt like he is supporting them. :D. Naked Business Orgy in Vegas is what Im naming my metal-covers-of-show-tunes band. Except I divorced mine. It seems a loving husband would have found a way for his wife to attend her best friends wedding. Youve put your finger on one of the things bugging me most about this: the idea that the LW has no agency. BTW- my husband didnt blink an eye when I told him I was going to Vegas for a whole week with a male co-worker. That doesnt mean one party jeopardizes their job and career to make ridiculous accommodations, of course. Honestly, I just wasnt used to having someone worry about me. (Is he really afraid you will be kidnapped or is he being hyperbolic to try to convince you to stay?). Leave the argument and do that as consistently as you can. He easily sleeps 4 hours. This. There was a recent one with the same problem! The counseling would then help them sort out their individual issues as well as provide them tools to handle the communitys judgment as well. That sounds more like a problem with the type of people your employer has hired, as opposed to being a problem with Vegas. I called home from a pay phone on the street around 10pm UK time and she freaked out because I was outside, at night, with nobody around who knew me! Exactly. Thanks for weighing in, Working Wife; were on your side, and we hope you can resolve this. Ive known controlling people that became that way because it was a learned coping method for a disordered brain pattern not that it is a good coping method, mind you, but it is one. The same counselors that would demand that the woman submit would also tell the husband to man up and provide for his wife. She Won't Tell Her Husband the Gender of Their Baby Because He Refused No, its not, but again Im not just speaking out of my ass here; I have seen similar anxiety issues firsthand. We arent gamblers either. And that now his family isdisappointed inme. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation At that time, she was eating about every 3-4 hours. If anything those are probably among the safer places in the country. Work trips tend to not be fun because you spend the whole time WORKING and have no time to go out and have fun. Super reasonable! Theres no life insurance policy in the world that would substitute for my husbands continued presence in my life and on this planet. And I do like some gambling. Get yourself some counseling, with or without your husband (and explore whether or not this is the type of relationship that is healthy for you to continue to be in). If your husband is really giving you a choice between staying married to him and going on a business trip, the answer may be difficult to face, but hes giving you a clear choice: You can live your life on his terms, with the threat of divorce hanging over your head if you participate in public and professional life in a way that displeases him, or live your life on your terms. Be very very wary of ever harming your career or earning potential because of the desires of another person. Its just such a common conference/trade show city! They just find more things to get worried about. You have a good day and thank you. The worrying about her cheating leads me to consider there might be a problem with control/abuse, possibly. !1 into a discussion? He could use some time and a space where he could work through these anxieties with a therapist who could help him think of ways to handle them better. Many of my colleagues bring their spouse on conferences as a mini vacay for the fun of exploring new cities. Just that it could be either one. But not the end of the world. I havent missed a day other than scheduled vacation. The kidnaps, cheating, etc etc that COULD happen in Vegas (with about as much chance as being struck by lightning) are all just scare tactics to convince YOU to stay home and desire his protection from the big, bad world. And hiking! When I was in grad school my mom once had a fit that I was walking home from class at around 4:45 pm on a random Tuesday evening. I currently live in a part of London that Ive heard described as a no-go area for those reasons. Lots to see and do. Ive had several week-long business trips in CA the last few years and its a non-event. Seriously, I grew up in Las Vegas. Thats what I was thinking. But my wife really worded it in a way to get the Im a crazy jealous husband. Exactly. Caveat: I dont think scheduled calls ALONE will solve OPs issue. Long term I also agree with everyone elses recommendations for anxiety screening and counseling. You are right! Willing to bet that OPs husband, regardless of whats behind his behavior, is one of those. Im in business, so of course I know that a lot of conferences and normal things to do there, but its a little disingenuous to claim that a location that intentionally markets itself as Sin City doesnt at least have a rep for vice. If he refuses to go, go alone. You write that he is friendly but just doesn't like to socialize outside of the house. Hopefully the comment section will help the OP see what is going on here. Good luck and please update us! If I ask him he will clarify but I trust him and dont need to worry. Hmm Shes probably going to cheat on me in Vegas because thats what people do in VegasWait I cant say that, of course shes going to deny ithmm, what else can I say to convince her to stay Kidnapping! The whole city is like a giant theme park for adults. Counseling is legit, or ask him to come along. One woman I met recently on a week-long work trip said it was the longest time shed been apart from her husband in 15 years. I went for the first time over the summer. Even the others theyre married to. should I be so emotionally drained by managing? I went just this month with my husband. And the largest baggage-caroussel room Id ever seen and then I saw the OTHER baggage-caroussel room, that was unused at the time. We have now been married 5 years and this is a thing of the past. I was also married to this man. So anything that could be perceived poorly at their church is not allowed. He says its specific to Vegas, but its possible that hed be anxious no matter where OP went. are there other situations that cause your husband this level of anxiety? As Allison said, people travel for work all the time. And the Flamingo is fun because its what I imagine the trashy, gaudy old Vegas was like so when Im there I pretend Im like a mobsters wife or something. Im not necessarily that suspicious of the friends. If you think Im the type of person who would cheat well Im not interested in spending time with you because you seem to have a pretty horrible opinion of me. Embarrassing Family Photos Make It Hard To Look Away Just that it might be (MIGHT) an explanation. If all else fails OP can blame in on an alien abduction. She comes back with cool stories and we have something to talk about besides work and whats for dinner. My comment is intended to apply to any combination of genders.). He was there for a conference, and she was there for a bachelorette party. I am the main provider in our home, and it angers me that it seems he wants to sabotage my job because of his insecurities. Heck, immediately post break-up I think its normal for friends to say Yeah, you were right, and they were in the wrong, and youre a heck of a catch and I bet theyre really sorry. Regardless of their private feelings about the truth of those things. His parents are awful. I think the phrasing is awkward, but its in there because he brought this up to his spouse to justify his position, so Im pretty sure he means they all agreed that theyd object to such a trip too. It was very concerning. If this resonates with you, OP, about your husbands behavior, something important to know is that there is no appeasing this line of thinking. When my spouse was almost sent overseas on a long term work trip, I actually offered to go with him (and pay my own way) not because I was worried hed get up to something without being supervised, but because I travel frequently for work and he almost never does, so it seemed like the easiest way for me to just take care of stuff so that he wasnt stranded in a foreign airport without knowing what to do or how to make a phone call. I dont think Ive ever paid more than $200/night in Vegas, often much less even after the resort fees are tacked on. Marriage should be about love, not control. I go to Vegas twice a year for fun, and while you can get into the seedier side of it IF YOU WANT TO, its also very, VERY easy to not get into it all. So much wow. Hmm. But refusing to participate in the arguments and the anxiety spirals by hanging up and walking out saved my relationship with both my parents in the long-term. So this is a relationship question, as Allison and others have said. should I tell my coworker about our colleagues criminal record, I deeply regret joining my companys leadership program, and more, my company is cutting my overworked teams pay as punishment for mistakes. Leave your phone on silent. Bucks. I was fine, nothing weird happened to me, but I wont stay off strip again. For example, many people have inherited cultural baggage that makes them scoff at the idea of therapy, which they think is for crazy people. If this is anxiety, OCD, or any other disorder then therapy for himself is absolutely necessary. I guess I read that differently than everyone else? Its just worth knowing that having a long list of good traits doesnt mean you arent in a problematic relationship, or that you cant choose nope for your own emotional health. I think its not up to any of us to determine what OPs husbands major glitch is. Im not superstitious, so I was aware that it was completely bogus that my fears concentrated on that fact, but they nonetheless did. You definitely need counseling, and he may need his own as well. Projecting your particular set of issues on to everyone else really is not helpful. Hes been working through them and he was much better during my last work trip. Iam lost. But the effect of his behavior on her is a them issue. She once had a fit that I was going to Target at 8:00 on a Wednesday. I don't think it won't be that bad though. To the letter writer, if your husband walked into a therapists office with Anonymous Posters comment and said, Thats what I want, the therapist would either be able to teach him that skill or refer him to someone who can. And I recognize that this is 100% My Problem and I need to adapt my behaviour to deal with it. Oh, for sure. This. Just recently I have found out I will be sent out again. Has heever done this before with other people inhis life? He doesnt have friends. Hopefully, a good counselor will see what, if any, underlying issues may be playing into this mess and refer him in the right direction. A great thing to consider would be inviting a few friends over on Friday night for Shabbat dinner. Leave your spouse for a week of leisure travel, wrong? And the entertainment options are essentially endless. Why would a husband not want to go anywhere with his wife? Might I suggest Hotwire? Vegas is not somewhere Id vacation, but conferences there are very smooth and convenient. In summer it doesnt really get properly dark at all, and not until after midnight. He stresses less when I go somewhere urban. Dont get hit by a stray printer that someone threw out a window in a rage while you have a cuppa with a buddy outside! It may not be, in this case. OPs partners behavior is affecting her directly. That didnt make me feel better for the Letter Writer. And wondered aloud how he would have been if wed been together in the days I was traveling to Kosovo, Bosnia and Iraq as a newspaper reporter. You can have a couple days where youre focused on other things! Id say the chances are > 50% that this guy never asked anyone anything. But he didnt make a peep when we took her to Vegas for our wedding! Best of luck to you. If he doesnt trust you, and is otherwise not riddled with anxiety, whats causing that? Post author By ; impossible burger font Post date July 1, 2022; southern california hunting dog training . Ill be honest, my first thought was not anxiety, but control and maybe future abuse. Ill take bizarrely leading questions for 600, Alex. It doesnt have to be automatically a negative-value-weighted word (which is admittedly hard for me to do because of my own bad background with a controlling culture and religion) but on the flip-side, I think we should not give cultural differences veto power to prevent us from calling out specific and tally-able patterns of behaviors that some people see as personal red flags or interpersonal deal-breakers. Sorry not sorry. The Truth About Taking Separate Vacations | HuffPost Women At this rate, Im going to be too afraid to leave the house until spring, and thats not acceptable. Anxiety is also a real possibility and I hate how offhandedly its been dismissed in most comments. Then they can work together to find a way to work with his fears, like maybe she checks in with him a few times a day at certain times. He loves listening to me talk about my trips and my hobbies and adventures, and I love hearing him talk about how he spends hours painting toy soldiers. Would he partake in an support of psychological therapy and consoling? Thanks! There is SO much more to Vegas than gambling, booze, and illicit sex. I use the word unstable because Im not diagnosing him with anything, but referring to what he is doing. Your house is on fire, it doesnt matter if you wash the car or not. But yes, OP, this does smell of jealousy. LWs spouse is overreacting for sure. Of course people can get into trouble in Las Vegas. Sure, its too much if youre super conservative, but then the root of the debate is not Las Vegas itself. Privacy Policy and Affiliate Disclosures. I said this above, but I read this phrase as his friends were objecting to his stance and would even let their spouses go. Maybe there are some things about himself orhis relationship with you that need some work. The kidnapping/roofie argument is the same nonsense my parents used to justify not letting my sister and me go to slumber parties but my brothers could go on trips to Europe. Honestly I have been to a few conferences in Vegas and I worked so much all I saw was the inside of a conference room or a hotel bed, into which I fell (alone) exhausted every night. They all suggest you turn off your phone because thats what their friends do when they are speed-texting their anxiety. Whats real is my wife is going for a walk in a safe area, shes smart and wouldnt put herself in danger, and the chances of anything happening to her are incredibly low. That is the hallmark of a controlling person. Uncategorized ; June 21, 2022 husband doesn t want to go on family vacation . I didnt have to take many work trips, being a teacher, but I did occasionally go to educational seminars. Just because people traveling for pleasure to Las Vegas give the impression that its a place to go wild, thats not what a work retreat/meeting is going to be like in any way. She visited exactly once, got off in a suburb where the homes start at 300K and started screaming about getting shot at. That is not rational and that is not how business or marriages work. Jeez, we all married the same guy. If I got raped on travel, Id still be the same person when I came home; its an injury and itd make some things inconvenient, its unpleasant to think about, Id need to get STD tests before we were intimate again, and Id need some hugs from him once I got home, but getting raped is not the end of the world. how do I get out of an active-shooter drill at my office? It sounds like theres a lot you two have to work through but if his primary concern is for your personal safety, as other folks have mentioned, Las Vegas is actually pretty safe for a big city. What if he dies? I dont think you necessarily need to fear him, but as other commenters have said, there are parts of this that seem dangerous and disturbing from our perspective. As a long-time resident of NYC, people who dont live here assume I spend my days constantly in fear of muggings and/or terror attacks, pepper spray at the ready. Answer (1 of 11): I do not care why he does it! Unless youre her son. When you try to say you wont let me do something, that tells me that you think Im too incompetent to make an appropriate choice on my own, which is really disrespectful. My company sent managers to Las Vegas last February for a corporate business trip for three days. But, because of Vegass layout & security, those places are no where near the big hotels/conference centers. I dont think thats something you really need to dive into OP (since thats not the real issue here), but I thought Id mention it to say that youre not the one thats offbase here. :-). We did it almost two weeks ago and it took about 14 hours, and now we're headed home. Obviously you were in horrific fiery car crash. Possibly the same people who dont think they should ever be in a one-on-one meeting or dinner with a co-worker of the opposite sex. Im sorry, Im not trying to be a jerk, but if you dont think theres anything unwholesome about prostitution (direct quote) I think you may be a cultural outlier. And here's what we think . Thank you for acknowledging that this is not normal and is something you can work on. Seriously. Hope youre all right, OP. I go on business trips. Theres a limit to how much they can make if they limit themselves to those who want risqu and sleavy. According to my in-laws, any apartment within walking distance of a Mexican restaurant had to be in a horrible and crime-infested part of town. Its been a while, but the last time I went to Vegas, we went to a Cirque du Soleil show, did a lot of shoe shopping, and took a drive out to the hoover dam (and took a cool tour). This is always my response to people and they always get mad at me for saying it. My hunny is not a fan of me getting up at 4:30 and going running in the dark by myself. Its also fascinating, because it makes me wonder about his friends. I only think bad things with Vegas and wonder why its chosen for a business thing (LW never said conference, so I wonder if it was chosen for the fun too). I actually didnt tell her I got K&R insurance when I worked in the Philippines and had to travel to an area where nearby skirmishes were going on and kidnappings WERE a concern. Por qu se separ Tania Rincn de su esposo? But this type of situation cant stay like this, so dont jeopardize the ability to support yourself when things get worse. Ive encouraged him to take trips on his own without me, especially when Im on travel. In fact, were you inclined to cheat, you might be more likely to do so in a boring place where theres much less to do (j/k, kinda). It probably wont improve the relationship to say this directly to him, but it is definitely something to keep in mind. simple path graph example; tahoe blue vodka costco; emt patient assessment cheat sheet pdf Alternar men. Im curious if your husband is perhaps someone who has never really traveled anywhere, and the whole prospect of travel gets his anxiety going? The memo was a few years old, and it had been issues shortly before an Uber retreat If Im not mistaken it was in Miami definitely in Florida. Regardless of whether the husband is trying to control you, or whether he is merely unable to overcome devastating anxiety, the effect is the same: You need to keep your job and live your life like a normal person, either so you can support him in recovering from this anxiety (pay for counseling, health insurance, treatment) or so you can escape what may very well be an abusive situation. I dont want men to dismiss womens fears, but I have personally had more experience with the opposite men deciding to tell me why I cant/shouldnt do something adventurous. Anyway, TL;DR, there can be hope for these situations, despite what the commentariat here may imply. My husband makes every work trip a miserable experience for me and is angry at me for days before and days after. http://www.thestranger.com/slog/2017/08/09/25333362/savage-love-letter-of-the-day-her-new-boyfriend-canceled-plans-to-see-a-friend-with-cancer. This isnt normal, as you say, and a good husband will support you as you travel. Who thinks its normal to ask around if he should let his wife go on a business trip, etc. Because setting some reasonable limits is part of that. Like, do you think he really did take an opinion poll? OP take care of you first. This is a man who is trying to actively sabotage her career. As a woman and someone invested in ending the b- s- that is sexism (some may call me a feminist!) Yes some people are probably going to jump all over me but let's be realistic here. Ehhh, I actually dont see so much wrong with friends weighing in on aspects of ones relationship when a friend comes to me and says, This is something thats happening in my relationship, would you call that problematic? I definitely dont say, Its none of my business! I give them my read of the situation, just as they do for me. And you can get into crazy stuff in any city, really; Vegas has developed a reputation for it to bring in tourism money, but there are parties and bars and even gambling in lots of other large cities in the U.S. Your feigned hysteria of all caps and multiple exclamation points comes across like a rude caricature of people you disagree with. I deal with these irrational fears with a sort of ritual where I always leave people I love on a positive note and let them know how much I love them, since the thought is always running through my head that I may never see them again. I also suggest that he seeks out personal therapy. Absence doesnt make the heart grow fonder, it ruins relationships and I am 3 decades in. 7. Ithewhat??? They are for sure marketing themselves as a place you can party it up (and you certainly can do that) but again, thats not unwholesome in and of itself. Its just unacceptable. No matter how cool your parents are, money always comes with obligations. This isnt about Las Vegas or about you or even about your jobits that he wants to control you, and any threat to his perception that he doesnt have complete control over you is going to end in a tantrum. Once I was done baby would go back into his seat until the next time. Thank you for sharing this. Theres like 1 hour of down time. I build these horrific scenarios in my mind about what supposedly happened. This screams abuser and it will only get worse. A relationship problem is not necessarily a problem where both people in the relationship are doing something wrong, but a problem that affects the relationship. Furthermore you can get into trouble anywhere, not just Vegas. I dont much care for Vegas. Yeah, my husband takes business trips to Vegas multiple times a year. That was my thinking toohow much did he lead them into getting the exact answer he wanted? (I would be in the back with the baby and my older daughter). If something was going to happen to you, it could be anywhere. And the concerns mentioned about What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, sin city, dramatic kidnapping scenarios, etc. Travel tip: if you go into a bar whose name would make Hooters say whoa, too obvious and use your corporate AmEx to cut lines of coke, you are probably going to run into some trouble. I know that, but if I was in construction, or teaching, or something like that, maybe I wouldnt. The best parts of Vegas arent actually in town. Business trips for him are salt in a wound, Im guessing. However, as hes not likely to acknowledge his issues without some therapy, couples counseling is probably a sensible place to ask him to start. Contributors control their own work and . On another note, with the amount of cameras in Vegas, kidnapping or any other untoward act would be fairly difficult if youre staying in populated areas. Plan and reminisce together to create shared anticipation beforehand and shared . How Vacations Can Help or Harm Your Relationship How To Travel Alone Without Ruining Your Marriage! We are both off work for the summer so we can easily split up the car ride and stop and get a hotel for. +1 I think this is good advice! Vegas strip is basically just that a massive neon strip mall with lots of people. For me, this is a differentiation between asking for permission from the perspective of consideration for the other person (kids are the #1 reason here), and asking for permission because the nature of your relationship dictates that one person gets to decide what the other person can/should be doing. Huh. And shell never be the breadwinner, but again, thats what she signed up for from the get-to. In either case though, go on the trip. Yeah man, sure, that uh really sucks? He wants me to refuse to go, but I think I could lose my position in the company or be treated differently. I certainly didnt forget that, in case anybodys wondering. This makes me MAD. Likewise, but I was in Hyattsville, Md. Absolutely. Holy smokes. Ive only been to Vegas twice. Im so glad to see this response here. Maybe its the way he framed it to his friends, or maybe he wasnt being completely honest about that. People who cheat assume everyone else will cheat, too. I ALWAYS wonder in these cases if the guy actually did do this, or is just saying that he did to bolster his own stance. Create an account or log in to participate. I had to go to Vegas once a year for a few days at my last job and I hated it. :). Same. It comes across as so controlling. Im also a Chicagoan with an irrational former fiance.